February 18, 2005
New Maryland Minority Rules: A Satire
[Note: The following is a Satire, a send off and not based in reality. Minority in the following refers only to REPUBLICANS in the Maryland House and Senate and no one else living or dead, alive or faking, fictional or just playing one on TV.]
After extensive undercover investigations, tarot card readings, stake-outs, psychic hotline chat sessions and reading over the shoulder of a prominent Democrat at Cracker Barrel, I was able to uncover the fact that the Democratic leadership in Annapolis has drafted a new secret “plan” for dealing with Republicans.
This plan is specially designed to let Republicans know just how much they are valued and treasured here in Maryland; as well as convincing them to consider the advantages of relocating to someplace in North Dakota. At great personal risk I have managed to obtain a copy of this secret draft of Maryland Democratic House and Senate’s proposed rule changes. Here they are for your consideration, a Tentacle exclusive;
- Minority Parking Spaces. 200 Acres of prime waterfront and tidal wetland has been specially designated as the new Minority Exclusive Environmental Parking Lot. This Kent Island site is conveniently located and will feature daily shuttle bus service to the Capitol via our historic 1938 Ford school bus.
- Speaking Rights: Minority members will now be privileged (and required) to wear Commemorative NASA Apollo Space Program helmets whenever they speak. The microphone and oxygen connections for these accurate and historical reproductions are scheduled to be available when the first Mars manned space flight occurs; meanwhile minority members who still wish to speak may substitute a liberal application of Space Shuttle approved duct tape across their mouths to simulate the experience of trying to speak in an airless void.
- In order to provide quality staff workers for minority members a new “special worker” program will be enacted. Eligible workers will consist of those who have not completed high school or obtained a G.E.D and who have never held employment for more than 24 hours. Workers with extensive alcohol, drug, criminal records and who demonstrate unusual computer illiteracy will be given preferred status.
Applicants will not be discriminated against due to race, gender, age, sex or species, but exclusively upon ability (or rather the total lack thereof). Applicants will purchase a $10 “application,” which will be matched to the daily pick three lottery numbers every evening. Winning, or rather “selected,” applicants will receive immediate permanent tenure (unless said worker ever passes an annual review test, in which case they will be immediately terminated).
- Special License Plates for Minority Members. All minority members will be required to purchase these collector edition license plates. Under a special arrangement with a major pottery factory in North Carolina these ceramic plates will read either MINORITY or I BRAKE FOR GOP. Each one is hand fired and painted in tasteful bright pink and purple and signed as well as numbered. These valuable plates will also double as minority House and Senate members’ identification and – at a mere $2,643.99 apiece – are a real bargain.
- House and Senate minority members will now have the special right to eat lunch at area high schools as a cost saving measure. To enrich community awareness said minority members will get a free pass to eat at each individual county high school, rotating through each school and county to county beginning with Allegheny County. As a precaution the high schools will conduct bomb and fire drills to ensure that unwanted contact between minority members and future voters will be minimized.
- In view of the special nature and status of minority members, anyone voting for them will have their names and addresses placed on the new Sensitivity-Challenged Voters List and be eligible for free counseling and treatment. Any voter placed upon this list will be granted free coffee and brie as well as “treatment” at the new Howard Dean Theater for the Performing Arts, Counseling Center and Coffee House being built on the site of some Annapolis parking formerly in use by minority members.
- In cooperation with the United States Marine Corps, all prospective judicial appointees of the Governor will have to complete the Combat Live Fire Course before they may be appointed; however Democratic (majority) appointees are excused from this requirement due to their religious views on firearms.
- April 31st now marks the start of Minority History Month in Maryland and is to honor “Republicans, a Permanent Maryland Minority”. This fun and educational month will feature designated themes like “How to Overcome Being Republican,” “Republican, Lifestyle Choice or Tragic Mistake?” and “How to Recognize the Republicans Among Us”.
- To honor the Minority the following “Minority State” emblems are adopted.
Maryland Minority State Bird – “The Buzzard”
Maryland Minority State Animal – “The Skunk”
Maryland Minority State Sport – “The NASCAR Bay Bridge 10k Walk/ Dodge” (Republicans only)
Maryland Minority State Plant – “Poison Oak”
Maryland Minority State Flower – “Ragweed”
- The Majority Leaders in the House and Senate will begin each session with a lengthy apology to true “minorities” for having to use the term minority in respect to their Republican colleagues.
- New Election Machine Electronic Spam Filters will eliminate unnecessary and unwanted ballots that contain the words SPAM and or Republican.
- Minority members will now be allowed privileged and special access to the State House through a designated semi-private entrance labeled “The Loading Dock.” Majority members are forbidden access through this minority only access. Minority members for their own safety will be required to use this entrance and exit. However minority members should always remember to yield the right of way to refuse containers, waste removal bins or hazardous waste barrels.
- A brand new 8 1/2 watt AM Radio station will be erected beneath the Eastbound Span of the Bay Bridge to provide Minority News and Information. D.G.O.P. radio (Designated GOP) will provide weather predictions, news about new minority disciplinary proceedings and reruns of the Watergate Hearings in their entirety as well as Bay Bridge delay and traffic information. It will also broadcast the following special Maryland Minority Public Service announcement: “Did you know that being a Republican is preventable? Do you or anyone you know suffer from the following symptoms? Own a Gun? Have a Bible actually located in your house? Listens to Rush Limbaugh or even worse, watches FOX news? If the answer to any of these questions is yes then you might be a Republican. Remain calm. Treatment is available but you must seek emergency and immediate help. Keep the victim quiet and calm .It is important that you remove any voter identification from their possession or control. Speak softly and use simple terms and phrases. Help them write out a check for the remaining balance of their bank accounts to the Maryland State Democratic Party or simply make it out to our favorite friend Mr. Cash. Recognizing the problem is the first step to treatment, there is a cure. Friends don’t let anyone be Republican.”