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As Long as We Remember...

January 28, 2005

When Republicans Marry Democrats

Chris Charuhas

What would happen if a Republican congressman married a Democratic congressman? Their conversations at home might go something like this.

Democrat: I noticed that our kid's college fund is short, and you've been messing around in Grandma's retirement account. What's going on?

Republican: Well, you know, my friend Archer owns an agribusiness company. Have you met him? His last name is Midland, middle name Daniels. He told me that grain prices are down these days, so I had to help him out.

Dem: You gave money to a billionaire farmer?!

Rep: Hey, I can do what I want with that money. I'm entitled to it!

Dem: Not really. I worked hard to set aside that money for our kid and Grandma. Most of what you contribute comes from your inheritance.

Rep: It's the same difference, isn't it?

Dem: No, it's not. Did you give all of that money to the farmer?

Rep: Uh, no. My friend Lockheed Martin runs a security firm, and he sold me a new security system for the house. Here's the receipt.

Dem: Awww, I can't believe you did that! That security system has been in development for decades, it's ungodly expensive, and it never works. I don't suppose you knew that the Russian Mafia is now selling gadgets that could defeat it easily, even if it did work as advertised. Is that all you bought?

Rep: Uhhhh...

Dem: Don't say anything – I got the bank statement yesterday. It shows you took out a loan with First China to buy a new car on credit. You seem to think that Chinese bank is a money dispenser. It's not. We have to pay that borrowed money back, with interest.

Rep: Well, it just so happens that I met a stockbroker – his name is Merrill Lynch – down at the Club for Growth last week. He says grandma's money is better off with him than in some stuffy old bonds. And besides, we don't need to send our kid to college. Preacher Falwell says Sunday School will do fine.

Dem: I guess Mr. Lynch didn't mention that the stock market does tank once in a while, and that even if it didn't, his management fees would eat up any extra money Grandma might make. And I don't think our kid will go far on Old Testament wisdom such as, "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head."

Rep: Socialist! Blasphemer!

Dem: Settle down. The kid needs to go to college, and Grandma needs her retirement money. Tell the billionaire farmer you want your money back, and get a refund for the security system. Also, take back the car and clean up the oil it leaked in the backyard.

Rep: I can't be bothered to clean that up that gunk. Hey, what's that over there in front of our Arab neighbors' house? I think it's a pit bull.

Dem: Are you sure? Maybe you should take another look.

Rep: There's no time! We've got to act now! I'm going to get the gun – that thing might eat someone! (Boom.)

Dem: I can't believe you shot the neighbors’ Jack Russell. What a mess. The Arab neighbors now hate us, and the whole neighborhood thinks you're a nut case.

Rep: Eh, who cares? I never liked those neighbors anyway. So you don't like the way I do things? Fine – I’m going to tell everyone else in the family that you hate them.

Dem: That's ridiculous!

Rep: Maybe so, but if I say it often enough, they'll believe me. Then I can run this household exactly as I see fit, and Archer, Lockheed, Merrill, and I will have a grand old time. Too bad for you!

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