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As Long as We Remember...

December 16, 2004

How to Still Enjoy Washington When Your Party Is Out of Power

Edward Lulie III

Ten years ago the Eagles came out with a reunion album “When Hell Freezes Over.” The album was released just as the Republican Revolution swept Democrats from power (1994).

I doubt that the Eagles desired that result (good Dems all as far as I know) but the album was great and for many people it did seem that Hell had indeed “frozen over.” The album had one song named “Get Over it.” That song still seems perfect as a remedy for the general gloom-n-doom that has descended on the left as their party has come to a grinding halt.

It is not true that the Democratic Party is dead, however lifeless and blue they may appear at the moment. Republicans are still waltzing in their cowboy boots, heady with victory and the fact that come January they will still be in power.

Their reaction to the left’s mantra of “you have to meet us halfway” is to double over with guffaws of laughter. The left’s scorched earth election campaign made it pretty clear that they were not interested in getting along – only in winning.

Once upon a time Democrats could have counted on the media to create an uproar sufficient to thwart the Republicans from their agenda. But now, thanks to the ineptness of Dan Rather, the media has been exposed as the activist branch of the Democratic Party instead of the “unbiased” news reporters they have long claimed to be.

Much to the dismay of Mr. Rather and Katie Couric, it is Fox News ruling the roost while some out-of-work liberal media stand staring in the windows from street level holding signs like “Will advocate for 401k plans,” and “Will write rightwing imperialistic dogma for Starbucks Coffee”.

Democrats, painfully aware now of what the word “minority” really means, are desperate to stop newly elected Republicans from claiming the rewards of victory. Howard Dean has acted to draft an emergency request to the National Labor Relations Board for a 1460 day “cooling off” period to freeze out incoming Republicans and prevent them from passing “harmful regulations and laws” until after the next election.

Former New Hampshire Governor Dean is also being sworn in as Pontiff of the New Left Socialist Church and Bingo Club while secretly entering into dialogues with aliens being held illegally at area 51. Frantic calls to Sen. Hillary Clinton for help went unanswered. She went into shock at the dedication when she saw the Bill Clinton Presidential Doublewide Library for the first time.

Rumor has it that Bill Clinton and Dick Morris have reconciled while highly paid paralegals research the issue of whether Mr. Clinton would be barred from a third term as president if he were elected as a Republican. Morris claims the party affiliation makes all the difference, “It’s not like Republicans really count, is it?”

Mrs. Clinton, receiving extensive treatment at home, was rumored to be negotiating with Arkansas’ environmental extremists in an effort to have Bill’s new library immediately declared a priority Earth Liberation Front target.

It is hard to quietly stand by and see the newly elected Republicans come gleefully into town. To watch them dancing around the campfire as they burn Tom Daschle’s old desk. Yet how does a good leftist stay sane when they see Republicans steal the best parking spaces and consign remaining Democrats to parking at Reagan National?

It might help to remember, as Dems watch their favorite town filling up with flocks of flyover-red-pod-people, that there are good things left for the Left in D.C.

1. When President Bush is sworn in, he will instantly transform into a “lame duck!” He can NOT be re-elected. Set your snooze alarm to 2008 and have the post office hold your mail. Now for those still off their meds and orbiting earth; just because you are sure he “stole” the last election and was an “illegitimate” President doesn’t mean Bush can suddenly agree with your stance in 2008 and get to run again. He cannot, this is his last term of office.

2. Rejoice that Washington is still populated by more Democrats than any other place on earth, including San Francisco. Even if your political views would be off the leftist charts in San Francisco, you will always be able to find people in D.C. who will completely agree with you; although many of them are frequently to be found sleeping on sidewalks and pushing shopping carts.

3. Protest isn’t dead! So get out your Reeboks and go protest the inauguration! Protest Fox News! Protest the Pentagon! Protest the fact that marching in D.C. in January is a great way to freeze (so be sure to wear thermal undies and bring lots of stuff to burn for warmth (old Kerry-Edwards signs for example).

4. Start a jobs bank where unemployed Democrats can find meaningful work brewing coffee or selling The N.Y. Times on street corners. Send a letter to Senator Kerry and ask for a contribution from him out of the millions he still has stashed in his mansion, address it to Teresa Heinz-Kerry and you might even get a check by return mail.

5. Sell newly arrived Republicans maps from street corners. Revise the maps slightly so that they mislead one down Route 95 to Virginia’s Capitol in Richmond. It kind of looks similar down there anyway and some of the newly elected may never figure out that they have gone to the wrong place.

6. Celebrate the left at the new Headquarters for Democratic Party Planning – the French Embassy. Sip wine and eat Brie courtesy of the sympathetic French who are in almost as much shock over the election as you are.

7. Get back some of the people’s money wrongfully taken by the rightwing; sell incoming Republicans season tickets to the Washington Senators! They will never know the difference (except when they get turned away at RFK by the Nationals gatekeepers) Rest assured that no one in the D.C. Department of Justice will find anything wrong with your fraudulent activity (provided that you remembered to give them their cut of the profits).

8. Need a new place to live? Perhaps a job as well? Try hanging out in Georgetown looking for George Stephanopoulos; he’s sure to be desperately searching for any remaining Democrats to interview on his Sunday political TV show. He might even be willing to rent you a room if you’d give him free baby-sitting services.

Remember to resist the tendency to despair over the future; everything is really not that bad. So what if the Republicans own more governorships, State houses, Senate seats and House seats than ever. It cannot possibly stay that way.

Remember that Democrats ruled the House of Representatives with an iron fist for over 40 wonderful years; if history is any indicator of the future then the Republicans will be out of power in just a mere three decades.

In the meanwhile dust off that Eagles CD and “Get over it”.

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