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September 23, 2019

The New Church of Climate Change

Jennifer Baker

In honor of the Climatestrike held last Friday, September 20, NBC news asked us to confess our personal climate change sins according to the new religion of climate change.


As climate change pertains to the earth, one can assume this new religion would be monotheistic with prayers to Mother Earth, or perhaps instead just earth as to not assume the gender of the third rock from the sun we inhabit.


The Seven Deadly Sins will now be replaced by the Six Climate Change Deadly Sins of plastics, meat, energy, transportation, paper and food waste.


This new religion seems to have faith in all things we are told on climate change and any questioning is hypocrisy and dealt with as such.


Locally, in Frederick, we have declared the county to be in a climate crisis.


Would Frederick now have a state religion of climate change? I’m sure the separation of church and state peoples will want to research this.


As Councilman Kai Hagen seems to be leading the congregation on this issue, would he be the local priest, or perhaps with his long-time climate change virtue signaling a bishop, or perhaps a cardinal?


Former Vice President Al Gore would, of course, be the Pope or church saint upon his passing.


Bibles will now be obsolete and replaced by Livable Frederick as the church doctrine we now aspire to live by.


Earth Day would not only take the place of Christmas, but Easter as well.


After all, the food consumption alone on Christmas and Easter would include the sins of meat, food waste and the horror of wrapping paper in December.


Speaking of committing sins, would we need to go to the County Council to confess our sins?


Would paying carbon tax credits be considered a tithe or penance? (Asking for a friend.)


Once a climate change sin is committed though, how could one seek absolution of one’s sin?


Obviously, Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s would be out and replaced by acts of recycling and extreme carbon foot print reductions as penance.


Since cow flatulence is such a big issue in climate change, would they be sacrificed to the new god of climate change?


The NBC confessional had many readers expressing their guilt for their commute to work to support their families, the need for air conditioning to sleep at night during the summer, and the shame a vegetarian who recently started eating ground turkey felt.


NBC can be proud that they exceeded even the left-leaning publication Mother Jones, which called the confessional the worst way to possibly affect change, and it asked if re-education camps were planned next.


Now, dear readers, I must confess my own climate change sin. I have an older horse and sometimes, well, he just can’t help but be gassy and we are both really sorry about that.


Please pray for us.


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