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As Long as We Remember...

May 16, 2019

The K of K Street Speaks Out

Edward Lulie III

After a great deal of effort, I caught up with “K,” an original denizen of the DC swamp. He was in a quiet booth at "the Old Ribbit Grill," a favorite watering hole for politicians, lobbyists and other ne'er do wells located near Capitol Hill.


I will (for fear of lawsuits) refer to him just as Mr. K, an original "green powerbroker" in DC. “It's true, they named K Street after me, but most people don't know that." He was sipping a cocktail and answering text messages as we spoke. "Scarlet Johansen is a great girl, but I think she's overboard when it comes to politics." He denies a serious relationship with her.


What does he think of Donald Trump's pledge to "drain the swamp?"


"Oh, Please! It's a place to live. The Founding Fathers built this city here because they figured it was mosquito heaven. They thought that no one in their right mind would choose to live here, and that any political ambitions would run the risk of yellow fever and worse. Shows what they knew!"


"I have thrived here since the days of selling coffee to bureaucrats and launched myself into movies, teevee and politics."


Politics? "Oh yeah, who do you think was the power behind the "green movement" anyway? It ain't easy being green! Kind of my theme song, you know”


What does he think of Mr. Trump rejecting the Paris Accords?


"Well, truth be told, I have a lot of friends who were counting on the subsidies to build their second and third mansions. Why is Al Gore so mad? He's losing money. He won't be so "green" now. I am first to no one in supporting clean water, but then I didn't have a dog in this race, just a female pig.... She's been in the trenches for the left. She was backing up Hillary inside Hollywood when it wasn't easy. Bernie lovers wanted to roast her...literally. Lucky for us she thought that "twitter" referred to using carrier pigeons for social media, or Wiki leaks, really would have had some juicy stuff to release.


How does Mr. K prosper these days in the swamp?


"I very quietly host parties for kids of the Senate and House members. They, then, know a friend who can slide them some money for information, and no one checks most five and six year old's text messages. I can't tell you how many politicians grew up with my guidance. J. Edgar Hoover called me his secret junior "G" man, and he meant Green. I have more insider knowledge than anyone."


"Little Sally sends me a text that her Daddy, Senator X, is leaning toward voting ‘yes’ on Senate Bill 98B after a nice lady from the bankers association brought him a big check and a few hugs." Sally is now on my Christmas list and gets invited to some really great parties with famous celebrities and a few greenbacks show up in her catered lunch bags."


And, what does Mr. K think of Donald Trump personally?


"I worked with a low talent bear for years who was amazingly popular, I don't underestimate him. Besides that, he's a comedy treasure trove, and to think we might have another five years of this to go."


And "draining the swamp?"


"Well, first of all, someone called Trump "Putin's sock puppet" and actually worse than that. That really hit home to me. The guy can't be all bad judging by his opposition. I doubt that he can do much more than chop down a few cherry trees, the "swamp" will thrive despite him.”


“I have to go, now, the White House is having a children's birthday party and I have to hop over and put in an appearance. Then it's back to a real swamp, Hollywood, where we are working on my next movie. And yes, before you ask, that darn bear will be in it and Donald wants a cameo.”


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