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DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


March 31, 2017

Yes, New Candidate Rules, et al

Harry M. Covert

Now, here's a potpourri of the hottest news collected by extreme vetting, stealth work from special correspondents, leakers extraordinaire and generally accepted experts without portfolios and non-Internet users.

 

This space is actually privy today to some entertaining items for the common or uncommon good, if such goods are around.

 

For example, all office seekers in Frederick County from tomorrow on will have to repeat the traditional English alphabet this way to qualify for bonafide elected offices: z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a.

 

This means raising right hands and, on the first go, repeat perfectly the alphabet backwards. Failing this little test eliminates candidacy for any public office.

 

This move was enacted ex cathedra by Frederick County's executive. It exempts her. There is no appeal from the ruling.

 

Those registering to vote for the first time will attest they'll not be influenced in local elections by Russian spies and Eskimos.

 

Now, please, keep on reading:

 

All public lavatories in Maryland will be unisex, one facility for all, and taxed by the health department.

 

Students in public and private schools will have to use left-handed pencils and fountain pens for all classroom work. No more computers under rules set by Frederick County's Board of Education.

 

That Clustered Spires Golf Club on Gas House Pike, Frederick, will be renamed Clyde Crum Fairways, in honor of the active golfer-farmer-businessman.

 

That Mr. Crum will score an albatross to rededicate the 19th hole. Albatross? That's the British golf word for a golf double eagle, three under par, rarest shot in the game.

 

That Winchester Hall, the seat of county government, will be known as George Delaplaine Government House. Print reporters get the best seats.

 

That Lake Culler will be permanently iced over for high school ice hockey teams beginning the 2017-2018 seasons.

 

That all church services in Frederick will be on Friday nights and not Saturdays or Sundays.

 

That the 24-hour news cycle be cut in half and banned on Sundays, excepting The Tentacle and the News Post.

 

And, reinstitute no Sunday shopping – old time progressive’s blue law – at least once monthly, only in Baltimore.

 

This Lirpa Loof was a yearly spoof by my longtime newspaper friend and colleague Tommy Lee Seward of Williamsburg, Virginia.

 

Tomorrow is April 1. Fun and games and leg-pulling. Why not?

 

hmcovert@gmail.com

 



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