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February 22, 2012

Here’s One Primary Analysis

Tom McLaughlin

Kuching Malaysian Borneo – I was asked to try to explain to a local Malaysian the Republican primary process in the states. Here is an excerpt.


Good Morning, Tom. Could you please explain the primary process?


Yes. The Republicans have several candidates running to be their party’s nominee.


You mean you vote for someone to run against President Barack Obama?






Because many people want to be president.


So, who are the candidates?


Right now it’s a guy called Mitt Romney and another one called Rick Santorum.


How are they different?


One tries to be more religious than the other. Rick believes in a strict interpretation of the Bible while Mitt believes in Mormonism.


What is Mormonism?


I don’t know, but it’s bad.




They like to sing and have more than one wife.


What do they sing about?


Not sure. They only sing around Christmas time.


How many wives can they have?


I think four, but they do it in secret. It is illegal in America to have more than one wife.


Who are Mitt’s supporters?


The very rich and the entire state of Utah.


What do the rich believe?


They believe they should have all the money. When they spend the money, it will trickle down to the rest of us. For example, when they order a yacht, the building of the yacht will provide jobs.


What will be the result if he is elected?




And what does Rick believe in?


He is against anything that is fun except sex but only to have children. And even then sex is not supposed to be fun.


Why does he smile all the time?


He is trying to make people think he is happy.


With no sex?


Yea, remember, he has sex but he is not enjoying it.


Does he have any children?


Yes, he has seven, but remember he is not having any fun making them.


OOOOOOOOkay… What is his economic policy?


That Christians, but only HIS Christians, should have all the money.


And what is he going to do with the money?


Build churches and close down everything that is fun. Then people will sit home and contemplate God.


How will they eat?


God will provide.


How will he provide if everyone is at home praying?


God made the Mexicans to provide for the Christians.


Aren’t the Mexicans Christian?


No, because they work on Sunday.


What will be the result of his economic policy?




What about foreign policy?


Mitt Romney will dissolve the army and replace it with young guys on bicycles dressed in white shirts and black pants.


How will that bring peace?


People will hide in their houses until they go away.


What will Rick Santorum do?


He will send people out with creepy smiles on their faces passing out Bibles and tracts.


How will that bring peace?


People will hide in their houses until they go away.


Will either of them win the presidency?


Not a chance.




Pollsters have stated that the American people will only elect a president that they can imagine having a beer with.


Can’t Romney have a beer?


No, he can’t drink alcohol.


But don’t the Mormons own Marriott Corporation that has all those bars in their hotels?


Yes, he does have an image problem with corporations.


Does Rick Santorum drink beer?


Probably. That’s why he has that creepy smile on his face. Stoned to the wide.



To be continued…..maybe!


. . . . .life is good. . . . .


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