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January 2, 2012

Twisted New Year's Resolutions

Richard B. Weldon Jr.

So, we made it. Another year, another set of promises to make for the coming year that we probably won't keep.


Imagine if we had the ability to predict what promises others would make for 2012. Here's a sample:


·        President Barack Obama resolves to stop promising jobs and finally figure out how to create one. The shock would come from the realization that the only jobs he can actually create are federal regulators and overseers, and those people do more to quell true job creation than pretty much anything else.


·        Vice President Joe Biden resolves to control the words that flow in an almost non-stop cascade of nonsense from his own mouth.


·        Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad resolves to finally stand toe-to-toe with the evil Satan (USA). His Napoleonic obsession to appear to be something other than an angry confused midget with a bad work outfit leads him to miscalculate the firepower of a single U.S. Navy aircraft carrier. That would be a tragically bad resolution.


·        U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D., NV) resolves to stop always looking like the daffy uncle lost at the family picnic.


·        U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., KY) promises to stop looking like the guy who revels in swiping the little kid's lollipop on the playground.


·        U.S. House Speaker John Boehner (R., OH) resolves to help get some GOP presidential candidate through the primary process who will not, by their sheer incompetence, cost him his position. Given the field, this one is a dream!


·        U.S. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D., CA) resolves to do the opposite of everything she did as Speaker should Mr. Boehner's resolution not pan out.


·        Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley resolves to find room on the far left of the Maryland Democratic Party. He wants to establish himself as the progressive standard-bearer to replace Sen. Barbara Mikulski. Alas, he finds it impossible to go any further in that direction than he already has.


·        Maryland Lt. Gov. Anthony Brown resolves to distance himself from Mr. O'Malley's leftward march, because Comptroller Peter Franchot will run against him for governor as a re-made moderate Democrat.


·        Maryland 6th District Rep. Roscoe Bartlett resolves to only serve one more term, hoping that voters will forget the similar previous promises he made (that were also ignored).


·        Former Bartlett Chief-of-Staff Bud Otis resolves to not ever again act like a pompous posterior should he find himself close to power. Unfortunately, his first go ’round was such a flaming "success," he'll not likely be in that position again.


·        Maryland GOP State Chairman Alex Mooney resolves to find a permanent location for the party, mostly so he can stop hauling party files around in his car’s trunk.


·        State Senator and Frederick Delegation Chairman David Brinkley resolves to take the same recipe for success he's had in Annapolis with him to Washington, if he can round up enough conservative votes in the 6th District to overcome the O'Malley Democratic gerrymander machine.


·        State Del. Galen Clagett resolves to make Frederick a regular stop on his tours as Comptroller of Maryland. Of course, getting his name known in Montgomery, Prince George’s and Baltimore makes this resolution a real fantasy.


·        Former Delegate and Commissioner Charles Jenkins resolves to finally stop smiling about the district lines of the newly redrawn District 3B. It appears as though he himself held the crayon when the map was drawn!


·        Perpetual delegate candidate Paul Gilligan resolves to find out why Charles Jenkins got to hold the 3B gerrymandering crayon, not himself. Paul finds himself squarely in District 4, one of unfriendliest to Democratic districts in the entire state.


·        County Commission President and radio talk show host Blaine Young resolves to employ the seven-second dump button on the radio control console at WFMD when a guest uses an expletive.


·        Former County Commissioner and State Delegate Anita Stup resolves to find another way to characterize the ignorant, petulant and immature conduct of a certain Planning Commission member, sparing Mr. Young the need to find the dump button.


·        County Commissioner Paul Smith resolves to continue his role as the voice of unpredictability, which on the Young Board means voting different than Blaine on occasion.


·        Commissioners Kirby Delauter and Billy Shreve resolve to stick with the safe course and go with Blaine, but just to be sure, they check with him first.


·        Commissioner David Gray resolves to stop looking like a guy with a bad case of the cramps during commissioners’ meetings.


·        Former Commissioner Kai Hagen resolves to continue his pursuit of a Winchester Hall parking space, but since that's basically all he has done since he lost it in the first place, no one really pays much attention to him.


·        Frederick Mayor Randy McClement resolves to run for re-election on the "At-least-we're-not-making-fools-of-our-government" platform. Recent past administrations allow him to succeed through lowered expectations.


·        Frederick City Alderman Karen Young resolves to run for mayor just because she gets tired of nit-picking every decision Randy makes. What she doesn't realize is that if she succeeds, there'll be another nit-picking alderman waiting in the wings.


·        Former Mayor Jennifer Daugherty resolves to pick apart every single decision that any future mayor makes in the hopes of finding some flaw. Unfortunately, no one listens except political reporters with stories to file, so it's really just kind of sad and pathetic.


·        Civic activist Janice Wiles resolves to win the Maryland Lotto, so she can file a lawsuit over every single separate action taken by the current Board of County Commissioners, except of course for those actions taken by David Gray.


·        Finally, readers resolve to find some really high quality political insights on these pages, but all they get is the same kind of drivel you've just finished reading.


Happy New Year!


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