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August 27, 2008

English First

Tom McLaughlin

I have returned to Frederick County and noticed a movement to get everyone to speak English. I agree whole-heartedly with this endeavor. A law needs to be passed that no language except English can be spoken in public.


To enforce this measure, the police will stop all foreigners and test them. They will be required to recite the first 10 Amendments to the U.S. Constitution. However, if they include the part “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State,” they will automatically fail.


In schools, all foreign language teaching must stop. French, German, Spanish and others will be withdrawn from the curriculum. This will open the way for students to take other more sensible electives like the Evils of Islam or The Liberal Threat in American Society.


The former teachers of languages will have to be retrained because it is impossible to fire anyone from a union job. These efforts will be paid for through grants secured from the American Conservative Society.


The French teacher will be retrained for cooking. As everyone knows, the French are excellent cooks. As female students will become obedient housewives and the guys are probably gay, it will be a good course for them. There will be an expenditure of adding kitchens to the schools where recipes will be adapted to substitute wine for American products like Budweiser.


Spanish teachers can be retrained for dance. The Mambo, Bolero, Flamenco, Sardana and La Cucaracha will be adapted to country western music. To promote greater interest, Miley Cyrus will be paid to produce DVD’s to help those with two left feet.


The German teachers will move to the physical education department. Using their Teutonic personalities, courses in marching, forced Appalachian Trail runs and cold weather camping, using only bare hands to catch game, will be established to help solve the teenage weight problem.


Chinese instructors will be transferred to the CIA. They will be trained in Chinese water torture techniques to be used on Iraqi limo drivers, hubbly-bubbly smokers and Souq merchants who may have had a passing contact with Osama bin Laden. They will be transferred to the Guantanamo Bay Hilton and Resort Complex.


The Dilbert Principle says: “The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.” Therefore, foreign language administrators will join their friends at Frederick Memorial Hospital. Here they will use their vast experience to put all the blame for their own failings on illegal immigrants.


All who refuse to follow these new dictates are invited to quit and find other employment outside of education. Possible opportunities include translating obtuse mortgage documents into various tongues; calculating gas prices using the coin flip method; and dealing cards at the new Maryland slots casinos.


The new restructuring of the schools will save money by eliminating positions. There will be many who can’t dance, cook or enjoy the great outdoors while strangling a deer.


English only mandates will eradicate the frustration of not being able to understand others while surreptitious listening in on cell phone or personal conversations. The security of the nation will be assured when people can ask where they want a tree planted in English.


English is our national language and must be protected at all costs. After all, Native Americans spoke it when the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria arrived.


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