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Advertise on the Tentacle

July 30, 2008

Oh, Canada!

Tom McLaughlin

There are a many similarities between North Ontario, Canada and Western Maryland. One of the most obvious is the bears. Both areas must bow to what the residents consider regulations promulgated by a foreign government.


In Western Maryland, the bear hunt was halted because of actions taken by the legislators who represent the money belt from Baltimore to Washington, D.C. Those residents are described by the good people in Hagerstown west as the left wing, communist, liberal, George McGovern, tree hugging fools.


They foist their policies on the God fearing, hard working, McCain voting, flag waving, American Legion supporting residents living in the land unchanged by God since Adam walked the planet. “My wife, yes! My dog, maybe, my gun never!” is the mantra proudly recited at each daily NRA meeting.


In North Ontario, Canada, the bear hunt was halted because of actions taken by the Members of Provincial Parliament, who represent the population belt below the lakes in Toronto, Ottawa and Burlington. Those residents are described by the good people in Thunder Bay, Red Rock and Nipigon as “rabid environmental southerners.”


In fact an ad in the local Nipigon Red Rock Gazette by the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources “Be Bear Wise: Prepare and be aware at your campsite. Reduce or eliminate odors from yourself, your camps, your clothes and your vehicle.”


How does one “reduce or eliminates” smell from ones body and car is beyond me. What scents does the bear like or dislike? Does one not bathe for a couple of weeks becoming disgusting to all who come close? What brand of soap repulses these creatures? Dial, Ivory or Irish Spring?


My car usually contains wrappers from Burger King and Mr. Donut. Do I clean out my car before settling under the stars for a good night’s rest? Do I use Turtle Wax or Simonize it?


Both denizens in North Ontario Canada and Western Maryland wish to transport these creatures to the areas that support the end to hunting. In Maryland, they propose to truck them to Montgomery country, especially Montgomery County. Here in Canada, vehicles await to move them to Toronto, Burlington and Ottawa.


The goal of these forced migrations is to allow those people to awaken to a bear tearing apart a shed to get at the trash; destroying a backyard barbeque pit to lick the remnants of a grilled dinner; or to awaken to a bear staring back at one while looking out the window. Then they will tell their legislators, or Member of Parliament, a totally different story on how difficult it is for humans and bears to coexist.


Of course, all of us were brought up with folk tales of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and Winnie the Pooh. Here, the bears are depicted as sweet, fun loving, honey eating creatures, a friend to man! And who didn’t have a Teddy Bear as a wee child?


However, one must also remember a song from my youth if one is to survive in both Western Maryland and North Canada:


“He was born on a mountain top in Tennessee

Greenest state in the land of the free

Raised in the woods so he knew every tree

Killed him a bear when he was only three

Davy, Davy Crockett

King of the Wild Frontier!


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