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May 28, 2008

Beach Ladies

Tom McLaughlin

I love women and now that the Memorial Day weekend has just passed, they are parading on the beach in as little clothing as possible. And I am sitting in my sand chair watching.


There is nothing better than seeing young nymphs pass by as my friend and I gaze at their beautiful features while solving world problems.


The Eastern European ladies have also arrived. They come with student visas to earn money and experience America. Most are drop dead gorgeous. Blonde, wide eyed and figures that rival anyone’s. I talk to them every chance I get. Their major complaint is why we don’t eat more fruits and vegetables and the high prices for these commodities.


I think I will call this time period “The Era of the Cleavage.” So many ladies, of all ages, have clothes that dip downward. As a lusty male, I am not beyond taking a glance or two. I have made every effort to stare into their eyes while having a conversation but my eyes drop. I try to keep a conversation going but my mind wanders while they are speaking and I need to pull myself back into a listening mode.


I asked my daughter about this and my behavior. “Oh, we do it on purpose” she replied. I didn’t want to continue the conversation.


My glasses are of the darkening variety that lighten and color depending on the light. I really can’t tell if my eyes can be seen by my observer. I now understand why some men wear those expensive sunglasses all the time.


Many people in my middle age have left their first wife and married a lady about 30 years their junior and have started a second family. I have never understood this.


I have already chased a two year old around the house, diaper in hand. I don’t want to mess with strollers, emergency rooms, up-all-night illness and adolescence. Been there, done that, as they say.


I have seen much older men pick up their sixth grader from a middle school dance. I still can’t figure it out. They will be in their 70s when teaching them to drive. I am even more perplexed on why a young thing would want a much older man. I have asked around and still remain in a state of confusion.


In my quest for companionship, I am seeking a middle aged educated lady who reads and is a good conversationalist. You would be surprised how difficult it is to find such a person. If you know of anyone, let me know.


For the past three years, I have been a regular member of health spa. The only thing I have asked them in return is to make me look sexy. My trainer, a 20-something with the body of a goddess, has me working out on a regimen which includes things I lift over my head, press together and a machine that bends me over. There are about 20 different exercises I perform in a week.


The most amusing one is the butt buster. This machine has my face and arms on the floor while the rest of me is in an upward position. One leg at a time pushes a weight upward. I guess if I only exercised one limb I would have a lopsided butt. I think I am the only male that uses it because I have never seen a guy on the thing. I believe my trainer feels that area of my body needs work. And will make me look sexy.


I will continue to sit on the beach and watch the girls, try to become sexy and avoid looking obviously at cleavage. Or invest in some expensive sunglasses.


Woodsboro - Walkersville Times
The Morning News Express with Bob Miller
The Covert Letter

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