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Advertise on the Tentacle

January 3, 2008


John W. Ashbury

Every year newspapers and magazines, both printed and electronic, offer their forecasts for the future. So, why should The Tentacle be any different? Here is what we see on our own crystal ball.

County Commissioner John L. “Lennie” Thompson will be mistaken for a Yoo-Hoo chocolate soda bottle, what with the white suit he wears so frequently, and will be returned to Safeway for the newly required deposit.

In addition, we see the wheels coming off Mr. Thompson’s little Red-Flexible Flyer recycling wagon as Frederick Countians realize that not everything old should be new again.

Commissioner Jan Gardner will long for a return to the days when every school was overcrowded so she’d be a hero again. She’ll breath a sigh of relief when, with a stroke of a pen, the state Department of Education makes every school over capacity by reducing the number of pupils allowed per classroom – again.

Frederick City will annex the county and abolish the commissioner position. Instead, the current aldermen will do double duty and be given the commissioners’ salary of $45,000.

Alderman Donna Kuzemchak will immediately complain that she should be paid both salaries because she works so hard and never seems able to get anything done.

Commissioner David Gray will succeed in his effort to force a court review of the environmental impact study performed before the expansion of Ft. Detrick. The U.S. army will thus abandon their plans and built an entirely new facility in nearby West Virginia.

Unfortunately, all of the traffic supporting what was to be built at Ft. Detrick, will still clog Frederick roads, heading to West Virginia. Shocked to his core, community activist Barry Kissin undergoes a conversion and becomes a pro-war protestor.

Del. Galen Clagett will become the next Speaker of The House in our General Assembly. Unfortunately he won’t know whose bottle of Kool Aid to drink.

Del. Sue Hecht will become so upset by Clagett’s election to Speaker that she’ll abandon plans for re-election and will attempt to find out what political office Alex Mooney is running for and challenge him again – in another effort at political suicide.

Former Frederick Mayor Jennifer Dougherty will defeat Congressman Roscoe Bartlett in November’s election. She will wear a solid blue dress with a single white polka-dot to her swearing in, the first dress she has donned in her public life.

State Senator Alex Mooney becomes so agitated by the Bartlett loss that he actually moves back to his legislative district and prepares to challenge her in two years.

State Sen. David Brinkley will join the plaintiffs in a lawsuit seeking to overturn the 2006 gubernatorial election, in an effort to reinstate Gov. Bob Ehrlich in Government House. The legal action will be successful and Senator Brinkley will be named lieutenant governor. Despite the increased visibility, Mr. Brinkley’s wife will still refuse to move to Annapolis.

Frederick County’s delegation chairman, Rick Weldon, will become so tired of seeing the same bills year-after-year from the county commissioners that he will hire a voodoo priestess to end “zombie” bill resurrections.

Del Don Elliott, who has served as a member of the Frederick County delegation for the last 15 years, will finally be recognized as such by the political reporters for The Frederick News-Post.

It will finally dawn on members of both the Democratic and Republican state central committees how totally and utterly useless they are in the political process, something everyone else has known for year. They will all resign on the same day.

Commissioner Kai Hagen will recover from the gifts Santa left to benefit Frederick County residents. The first words he mumbles after the muzzle is removed are “Not Guilty, Your Honor.” In a stunning act of humility he will admit that he really doesn’t know everything about everything – just almost everything.

Commissioner Charles Jenkins will draft a bill to require an entry visa into Frederick County. Commissioner “Lennie” Thompson will add an amendment to prohibit the issuance of those visas to lawyers and developers.

County Manager Ron Hart, sensing a quick rebound in the real estate market, and frustrated at the lack of direction from his five-headed boss monster, will retire – again.

Frederick City Alderman Marcia Hall realizes that she must be outspoken as an advocate for the citizens who elected her and she calls on former Aldermen Bill Hall and Dave Lenhart for advice on how to be more effective.

Frederick City Planning Director Chuck Boyd will announce his intention to leave City Hall again, but no one will notice. Everyone will admit that they thought he left the last time he resigned.

Aldermen Alan Imhoff and C. Paul Smith will become relevant. The crystal ball is a little clouded on this one. It may be saying that their relevance will be recognized.

Congressman Roscoe Bartlett will realize the folly of continuing to groom his son Joseph to take his place in Washington. He will also get permission to build that nursing home on his Lime Kiln farm – and not a moment too soon.

Sheriff Chuck Jenkins will finally pass former Sheriff Jim Hagy in popularity by taking up golf – the only thing he hasn’t done as yet.

Del. Joe Bartlett will open a carpentry/construction business in Baltimore, admitting that he no longer lives in Middletown.

Thurmont Mayor Martin Burns will adopt a new – and friendlier – persona, but the town will be so deep in debt due to lawsuits that the state will threaten to recall its charter.

Thurmont’s new councilman – Bob Lookingbill – will schedule bake sales in an effort to refill town coffers. They will be staffed by himself, fellow Commissioner Glenn Muth, and their political guru, County Commissioner Kai Hagen.

The City of Brunswick will continue their aggressive annexation program, swallowing up the Middletown Valley and Point of Rocks. The new municipality will be called BrunsJefferRocks.

President George W. Bush will get the Nobel Peace Prize after U. S. troops withdraw from a completely democratic Iraq.

Gasoline prices will reach $4-a-pint and bicycles will make a return to national relevancy – ever for paraplegics.

Cold fusion will become a reality and gasoline will be phased out as an auto fuel. Quickly the price of water will reach astronomical heights.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid will be admitted to the Brook Lane facility near Smithsburg and will undergo shock therapy. However, upon their release there will be no discernable difference in their behavior or politics.

There comes that cloudy stuff in the crystal ball again. I think I’ll take a break.

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