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Advertise on the Tentacle

December 27, 2007

Santa’s Doing His Job – Again.

John W. Ashbury

What a tiring trip Santa had. He was so beat after his 24-hour flight that he slept all of Christmas Day. But the day after, he returned the many calls left by the staff of The Tentacle.

Everyone wanted to know what he had brought certain people in Frederick County’s celebrity parade. So, here are the gifts they received.

** Santa brought the president of the Board of County Commissioners a new leadership position as chairman of the World Association of County Organizations. Now she will be able to say not only that she is president of the BOCC and MACO, but she is now the head of WACO. But then again, perhaps she has been all along.

** County Commissioner Charles Jenkins received a D-9 Caterpillar and a road grader so that he will actually be able to get something done about the roads in the county.

** Santa was more than nice to Commissioner David Gray. He gave him a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself, with the appropriate bend at the waist, so he can put it in his seat at commissioners’ meetings to give the appearance that he actually attends them.

** Santa left Commissioner John L. “Lennie” Thompson the lead role in a remake of a Mayberry RFD movie. He’ll assume the role of the shyster, white-suited lawyer from Mount Pilot, who has no redeeming qualities.

** As a gift to all the citizens of Frederick County, Santa left Commissioner Kai Hagen two broken hands (to keep him off computers in general, and the Frederick News-Post website in particular); a muzzle to keep him quiet at commissioners’ meeting; and a swimmer’s nose guard to keep his nose out of the business of local municipalities.

Santa left Frederick City Mayor Jeff Holtzinger an annexation petition for his farm so that he’ll meet residency requirement and keep Frederick News-Post Columnist Katherine Heerbrandt off his back.

** Delegate Galen Clagett found a note from Santa granting him his wish to run for the most powerful position in the world – God. Santa figured that is the only office that can accommodate Delegate Clagett’s raging ego.

** Almost as an afterthought, Santa made a return trip to Commissioner Gray’s house and left him a seeing eye dog so that Mr. Gray can blame the dog when he fails to attend meetings. And when he doesn’t read background material, he can say the dog ate it.

** While he was making his return trip to Walkersville, Santa also stopped at Commissioner Thompson’s house and left him a new white suit. This one is a little different – it has a target on the back of the jacket.

** Santa looked through the wrapped packages under Mayor Holtzinger tree and discovered a really unique item. It a new machine that transfer all information about issues on which the aldermen must make decisions to those elected officials. This way he doesn’t have to talk to them directly – except at the twice-a-month meetings.

** Alderman “Kip” Koontz also found an exceptional gift from Santa under his tree. This little machine expands every day by six hours so that Mr. Koontz will have enough time to do everything he knows he has to get done in a timely manner.

** Santa left Frederick’s President Pro-Tem Marcia Hall a complete set of furniture for a family room in City Hall. It may sound like a strange gift, but it gets a lot of use when Ms. Hall needs a relaxing place to go when she finally has to make a decision. Unfortunately, the door becomes jammed and she is able to avoid – again – telling anyone what the decision was.

** Alderman Donna Kuzemchak received a court order from Santa giving her the right to change her name to whatever she wants without having to return to court.

** Alderman C. Paul Smith received special reading glasses from Santa. These temple huggers grant the wearer the ability to understand the intricacies of government without first stepping on one’s tongue.

** For Thurmont Mayor Martin Burns, Santa left a temperament more suited to those in public office. He will now be able to control the temper which has gotten his tongue rapped around his eye-tooth so he couldn’t see what he was saying.

** Thurmont Commissioners Ron Terpko and Glenn Muth received a better scheduling calendar so they will now be able to attend all meetings of the town’s board.

** For Brunswick and Frederick city governments, Santa left the solution to a sticky ethics dilemma concerning accusations that Richard Stup, Brunswick’s Planning and Zoning administrator and chairman of the City of Frederick’s Ethics Commission, misused his position to enhance his own financial situation.

** Santa left Delegate Joe Bartlett a cure for his “foot-in-mouth” disease. It provides an electrical shock every time he contradicts his “family values” mantra.

** Delegate Rick Weldon found a new engine for his “Common Sense Express” under his tree. Apparently Santa doesn’t delve into local politics, or he would have realized that the old engine is doing quite nicely – Thank You, Very Much.

** Delegate Sue Hecht got the nicest present of all from Santa. He left her a cure for the disease that is currently attacking her. Santa also left a note asking her to moderate her left-wing policies. If she doesn’t, Santa said, he wasn’t going to bring her a present next year.

** Santa didn’t know what to bring Alex Mooney because the state senator seems to be able to buy anything he wants with campaign contributions.

** And at the last stop in Frederick County, Santa paid a visit to State Senator David Brinkley’s house. He left the man a lot of people hope will eventually replace Congressman Roscoe Bartlett in the House of Representative, the ability to really understand why his wife left a busy and successful law practice to become a nurse.

Oh, well. Soon Santa has to start preparing for next year. He’s taking a week off to exercise rigorously. The milk and cookies left for him all over the world put on a few pounds to his already portly frame.

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