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Advertise on the Tentacle

November 28, 2007

Hannah Montana
Humor by Tom McLaughlin

Tom McLaughlin

There is a dire warning in a past issue of The Wall Street Journal. Does it foretell a major stock crash? Will the dollar sink below the Indonesian Rupiah, now trading at about 10,000 per?

No! It’s a warning that if you ever hear the theme song to the Hannah Montana empire which begins “Who would’ve thought that a girl like me,” it will remain with you past the grave, regardless of age.

Channel surfing one evening; okay several, the name Hannah Montana kept appearing. I also own Disney stock and it’s phenomenal increase has been attributed to her. I decided to have a look.

Watching about 30 seconds of pre-adolescence drivel, I immediately tuned into my favorite intellectual classic television show “Green Acres,” where the star – Arnold the Pig – and his side kick – Agricultural Extension Officer Hank Kimball – are much better Iowa candidates than we have now. In fact, being a farming state, they would probably win.

Anyway, the premise of the Montana story is that a girl tries to lead a normal life while being a huge rock star. In the episode I watched, and believe me it was difficult, she fell for another teen rock star that demanded he be treated as such. He would move to the head of the line while Hannah waited her turn in an attempt to be normal.

There was a sweet, sexy kiss and she ends up dumping him; but I think they made up, as I couldn’t watch much more of it, deciding it would be more entertaining to take out the garbage.

“Achy Breaky Heart,” possibly the worst song ever performed, was written and sung by Billy Ray Cyrus, Hannah’s real life and television show Dad. He makes every attempt, on the show, to keep Hannah virtuous and runs his home like a convent.

However, real life is a different story. Her concert tour is a cash cow being filled with hundred dollar bills. And that ain’t no hay.

To give you an idea as to the rigors of the circuit: Nov. 27 – Charlotte, N.C.; Nov.28, Duluth, GA; Nov. 29, Memphis, TN; Dec.1; Little Rock, AR; Dec. 2, Oklahoma City, OK, etc.; and all of them sold out with scalpers selling tickets and getting $1,000 per. Billy Ray’s Achy Breaky Heart must now be filled with joy prostituting his daughter like that.

Okay, okay, okay, okay soccer moms. I see you coming through the computer screen, fists raised. She is better than the anorexic Olsen Twins, who are responsible for the societal craze of “thin is best,” and the cause of many teenagers trying to slim down while eating Big Macs. She does portray a clean, wholesome image, role model for your kids. I haven’t a clue what she does on stage, but no teenager can be the Olsen’s or Montana. They have to be themselves and it is best for mom and dad to allow them to be that.

When her parents asked her today (November 25) what she wanted for her 15th birthday she replied “I want to be here at home in Nashville with all you guys.”

Enough said!

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