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As Long as We Remember...

May 13, 2007

The Woes of Jamestown

Tom McLaughlin

The royal hat lady (Queen Elizabeth) was in the United States celebrating the 400th anniversary of Jamestown. She said the history of Jamestown had undergone revisions and would continue to evolve. I have read everything about the new theories of the settlements' founding and am relating the following account.

Most of the adventurers were a bunch of upper class dandies who hadn't a clue on how to start a settlement. The few that did know got totally fed up with the fops and demanded a say on how the new colony was governed. They were also tired that the uppity uppity also expected them to grow corn while the snoot fulls bowled in the fort.

Captain John Smith, who was having an affair with Pocahontas, was elected president and tried to save everyone. According to those scientists who core out trees and read the weather, (they can tell the conditions in 1609 but can't predict tomorrow's climate) Jamestown was in the middle of one of the worst droughts in history. This was no excuse because they could have planted a garden and watered the plants from the river, if they only knew how to carry a bucket.

The colonists also dumped their waste in the only part of the river that sloshed back and forth and was not cleaned out by the flow. This indicated that acute powers of observation and smell were lacking. It also told the tale on why they could not spot a deer and survive winter. They were not only blind but mentally deficient as well.

Current revisionists thought now inform that not the best and the brightest of the upper class were sent to Virginia. In fact, the embarrassing members of the families were convinced that were going to the south of France for a holiday. The New World was a lay over to catch the next flight. Yes, this bunch did believe in flying in 1609, they were that mentally off. Airlines now try to convince delayed passengers, who spend months in terminals that they are in the south of France.

Powhatan found out about Captain Smith's affair with his 14-year-old daughter and ordered him radically circumcised. The captain, the previous day, had accidentally dropped lighted gunpowder on his lap and it exploded. Powhatan examined the damage to Smith's manhood and decided the Gods had done the job for him. Smith high tailed it back to England for repairs and to avoid the starving time which anyone could see was coming. John Rolfe married Pocahontas, as no Indian would have her, seeing what she had done with white man's magic.

The Indians, refused to share their corn during the winter thinking them a bunch of disease carrying, lazy, smelly, indolent non-corn producing pack of hyenas. Which they were. They bundled up their gear and headed south to Florida for the winter. They were the original snowbirds.

Meanwhile, back in England, John Smith wrote pamphlets for his investors beginning with "This delightsome land." It described how oysters jumped into the boats, tobacco grew like weeds and the Indians believed in free love. Back at the ranch, one colonist had consumed his wife while others froze to death. Many writers of modern corporations' annual reports follow his format.

The new discoveries and theories about life at Jamestown serve to remind history must continually be re examined.

But the Queen has never learned she looks ridiculous in those hats.

Woodsboro - Walkersville Times
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