Dear Otis Spunkmeyer:
Just a note to thank you for offering your extraordinary chocolate chip cookies as promotional products to help raise funds for children's schools. Of course, I had to buy a tub, just to help my friend Gladys and her little boy, and I want to thank you for making that possible.
When I got the tub home, I opened it, of course, and found that you sell your frozen cookie dough in individual, large, cookie-sized lumps. That is cause for more thanksgiving, and even rejoicing, because, I - being an American working woman of a certain size and feeling a bit stressed after a long day - was sorely in need of a quick pick-me-up.
I ate one right away, and then two more, right out of the tub. What I really want to thank you for is making it so easy for me. Who needs Valium? Thanks to you, I didn't even have to chisel the dough out of the tub. I was able to just pick up a huge, lard-filled lump or two for a quick endorphin release.
Otis, you are a fine and considerate man. You help children, women and yourself, all at the same time. I wonder how well exercise balls would sell in school fundraisers. If they did sell them, and we had to buy them, a lot of women would probably fall off of them and get hurt. Thank you also for saving me from that terrible fate.
The only thing that almost hurt me was when I was telling my friend Eileen, who is even more of a certain size than I, and who tells me in all seriousness, that, with great effort, and approximately 5,000 trips to Weight Watchers, she has lost approximately two tons in her life, only to gain it all back, and just a teeny bit more. I got to laughing so hard that I almost had an accident in the Safeway bathroom, where she was keeping me company by cell phone as I ran my errands.
Eileen gave me excellent advice, which was to immediately put salt all over the cookie dough and throw it away, far away from my house, or else, she knew, I would go and look for it later. All she keeps in her house are cans of stewed tomatoes and green beans, which her husband eats out of the can for snacks.
I told her right away that I didn't have enough moral fiber to do it, so you, Otis, and your wonderful product, have since been able to help me through a few more tense moments, and I want to thank you for that.
It's Sunday morning and I'm baking right now. I plan to take the remaining cookies to Easter brunch. I just know that my family is going to enjoy them very much, maybe even more than I enjoyed the six I had for lunch yesterday.
You've made a lot of people happy, Otis, and I want to make sure you know it. Thanks again, and Happy Belated Easter.
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