Just Plain Giddy
Happy hour has come early to the Democratic National Committee and their ultra secret Howard Dean war-room. In this highly secure location, a subterranean bunker on Capitol Hill (hidden beneath a bar and next to a Starbucks - for convenience), Dr. Dean and his hand picked staff of operatives, palm readers and loyalists meet secretly every day to plot the downfall of George Bush, Karl Rove and the evil Republican Party.
Lately the mood has been simply euphoric; the odds that Democrats will soon be returning to power seem to be just overwhelming and has staffers dancing on tables 'til the wee hours of the morning.
Cosmic (our secret informant) giddily discussed the latest poll numbers with us. "Like, wow, Man! We took a poll of everyone that we know and only one Dude, just one guy, was going to vote for Bush! We found out later that was only because he'd drunk three bottles of Merlot and thought the question was if we should all vote to throw Bush off the island"
Cosmic winked and then whispered to us confidentially that Dr. Dean has a plan of his own. "Oh, Man, just as soon as we retake the White House in January he's going to get the NSA, or was that NASA? Anyway Dude, it's one of those secret groups with black helicopters and Fox Mulder and has a big N in their name. Howard is going to have them make a time machine so that he can go back in time and stop Nixon from winning in 1960. You know, that was when the world really went wrong, you know!"
We did not dare correct Cosmic, who was at the time staring at a blank computer monitor, and tell him that Richard Nixon did in fact lose to John F. Kennedy (courtesy of many dead - but extremely loyal - Democrat voters in Chicago). Perhaps it was the heavy fumes in the room that made us wonder; could that be because Howard does go back in time and fixed it?
Other less distracted sources in the bunker revealed to us that Howard is still deeply concerned that George Bush might make a comeback. They fear that Bush has some secret plan to revive the economy, reduce the deficit, stop terrorist attacks on American soil, lower gas prices and get Wall Street motivated to set new record highs. * "Howard keeps telling us that if Bush can do all that he'll be home free, but really! What are that odds that all those things could actually happen?"
At the HQ, optimism reigns supreme over double espressos and Margaritas. The signs of impending GOP doom are everywhere. "It's just like Al Gore prophesized. Bush's global warming caused all those major hurricanes this year that devastated Florida and demoralized Jeb Bush and his election-stealing operatives. They won't be able to steal our votes this time! In fact they keep acting like nothing at all has even happened! They don't even report on the widespread devastation. Everyone knows the high gas prices were just a ruse to keep people from traveling to Disney World and seeing the disaster in Florida for themselves. How much longer can they continue to ignore reality," one cheerful reveler asked sagely as he downed another pink gin fizz.
Cosmic, in a rare moment of semi-lucidity, expressed wonder at how anyone could dislike the Democrat agenda for 2006. "Like everybody hates Bush, right?"
We asked, what exactly is the Democratic Party's agenda?
"Dude, like we stand for the people, Man. Time to leave Hanoi alone and stop the bombing! End the draft! Lower the voting age for illegals and throw the GOP out."
Another staffer was carefully placing pins in his Dick Cheney doll and commented, "We've got them on the run this time, for sure. Just look at Pelosi, she's busy canvassing the homeless right now in San Francisco. When we win, she can toss out the Bushies at the State Department and replace them immediately with pre-qualified pacifists ready to undo the last six years of regressive diplomacy."
Cosmic put it this way. "Dude, it doesn't take a genius to count the ways that Bush is going to lose in this election. He is so history; he is like done, Dude. Heck, he shouldn't even bother running!"
*(oddly enough all those things have actually happened. Clinton's mantra "It's the economy, stupid!" seems to have been strangely forgotten.)