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Advertise on the Tentacle

August 27, 2006

Exercising The Benefits

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

"Am I sexy yet," I inquired of the lady at the health spa. When I joined a year ago they promised I would be sexy in a year. I worked out on every machine they told me to except the butt blaster.

This contortionist's dream had my face in the floor, my hips in the air while pushing a weighted thing with one leg. I didn't think my posterior needed much help mainly because I can't see it and really don't care what it looks like.

I have really come to enjoy my exercises at the health club. I get a faint depression when I don't go; so, it means a lot to me. Let me tell you how much.

The owner is a Republican. Not just a minor run of the mill Republican, but one with a capital "R." He has life size cardboard cutouts of President Bush in his office, Robert Ehrlich bumper stickers available in the lobby and a huge Governor Ehrlich sign in the marsh just as you enter Ocean City from the Rt. 90 bridge.

I sort of grit my teeth as I pass the campaign paraphernalia, but my body is worth it, including my butt. All the lady employees say so. Guess they don't want to loose a customer. I haven't told any of them I am on the Democratic Central Committee of Worcester County. The owner would probably strap me to the butt blaster and turn it on high.

I also take a swim in the ocean every morning. When I go into the water, I slowly get my knees wet, then my hips and avoid at all costs my chest until the very last minute when a wave slaps me. The head is next. The whole process takes about 45 minutes from toes to head. Not really.

We had friends in and the guy was 20 years my junior and looked like a Charles Atlas with muscles everywhere. I couldn't beat him in physique, but I decided I would best him in the ocean. I walked straight into the cold water and purposefully jumped into a wave while swallowing back a shriek of discomfort. He watched and held a new respect, joining me about 30 seconds later. Young turk, I thought.

But, I am proud on what I have accomplished in a year. I now have a waist. There are actual hip bones where I can fasten a belt because I have lost two pant sizes. I still have the roll of fat but I am working on that. Diets are no help because I just can't count calories. I have no idea which food has more except the ones that taste good contain the most. There are so many books out there and just lifting them would cause a major loss of pounds - and a hernia.

Maybe I should try the Republican butt blaster after all.

Woodsboro - Walkersville Times
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