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August 20, 2006

A Fruitless Search

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Ton McLaughlin

They swept across America and then around the world like a band of Apaches chasing the cavalry. Nothing could stop them as every home in America, then England, then Australia was purchased at asking - and then inflated prices causing other homes to skyrocket in value.

Then, like a comet whipping around the sun heading for deep space, they disappeared. Who were they? These merchants of chaos throwing money like confetti, selling and reselling homes until banks burned with the friction of bills passing back and forth?

They were called investors!

I have made a determined effort to discover who they were - leaving homeowners with hopes and dreams of making a fortune only to discover their houses are worth only a fraction of their value a year before. I started with the bible of all finance reverently published from New York City every morning like Moses with the tablets - The Wall Street Journal.

Monday, August 14, 2006

An activist investor urges McDonalds to boost restaurant operators share price.

Here we have one investor, an activist that is a term that belongs in the liberal camp, telling the great cholesterol empire to do something. What this "something" is I don't know, but it has something to do with hedge hogs whose fat is used to fry potatoes, I think.

"Abreast of the Market" a column I assumed had something to do with Playboy magazine, stated investors "stayed on an even keel" after the foiled terrorist attack in London. I didn't know they were on a boat and I am glad they stayed the course. They can "weather weakness at home" and I assume the Weather Channel is their barometer for future investing depending on the humidity levels.

In another article, having to do with the hurricane season, investors are described as bold in the reinsurance market because they are betting the season will not be as devastating as the last. Any weather hobbyist could have predict that, except those hurricane "experts" at the National Weather Service and in Colorado who missed the prediction last year by the width of a tropical storm and haven't even come close this year.

The weather report section, about the only thing I understand in the entire newspaper, stated "below-normal rainfall across Argentina croplands this week." What this has to do with anything, I haven't a clue.

Still no hint on who are the "investors."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

"Satellite Radio Runs into Static" was the headline. It seems the number of subscribers is increasing because the companies are giving away services. (Business Administration 101) They are having problems convincing investors they are no longer "scrappy start ups," but are real businesses. Sounds like the Brady Bunch.

We now get into some nitty gritty. Apparently, a real estate trust has sold its investment in three malls, one in Toronto, another in Glasgow. They would also sell interest in Madrid Xanadu, which I assume sells sex toys in Spain. I guess not much sex on the Iberian Peninsula. Also, why would anyone invest in malls in three widely separated and culturally different locations?

As for understandable items, a column about peddling your own barbeque sauce informs while the weather box states "Dry weather into next week in former Soviet wheat lands."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The percentage of listed homes in the Washington area market whose prices have been reduced as of August 2 is 39.27%; Baltimore, 34.41%.

Nothing like confirming the obvious.

Another article, investors have turned to auctions to sell their homes. Doesn't it make you happy to see that bunch caught? I mean, all the damage those developers have done and now they have to reduce their prices and perchance sell them at auction.

One, two, three awwwwwwwwwwwww!

Weather: "A chilly air mass will move by the south of Brazil next week."

That's my take on the business news and my attempt to find the investors. One thing I did learn proves the age-old adage: "A fool and his money are soon parted."

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