August 11, 2006
I must be just incredibly lucky. Lately when I get my emails there are at least five or six telling me wonderful news about the lotteries I “won” and the representatives of the estates of billionaires and millionaires that died and need my help desperately!
Amazingly most of them come from Nigeria. I never knew that so many rich people lived there (or died there as the case may be). Here are just a few examples:
“I am the personal attorney to Mr. XXXXXXXXX, a national of your country who works with Shell Petroleum Company in the UK and he is known and referred to as my client. On the 21st of August 2003, my client, his wife and their four children were involved in a car accident on a summer holiday along High Road, Buckhurst Hill, London. Unfortunately, all the entire family lost their lives in the tragedy. Since then, I have made several enquires to your embassy to locate any of my clients’ extended relatives, but all my efforts proved unsuccessful and to no avail.
After these unsuccessful attempts failed, I decided to track his last name in the Internet to locate any member of his family or his nationality, hence I contacted you. Now my contacts to you is to assist me in repatriating his estate in Dublin and the money which has been lodged in a security/courier company in a trunk box in Dublin, Ireland, and before the money in the box will be confiscated or declared unserviceable by the security/courier company where he deposited this money valued at about $40,000,000”…
I xxxed out the name, I mean who knows it might be a real name. Amazing how they need my help isn’t it?
“I wish to introduce myself as XXXXXXX XXXXX, I’m the human person right to a disease family LATE SIR PAUL XXXXX, from Liberia but seeking a foreign beneficiary for his consignment that was deposited in security company here in Accra Ghana. Sir Paul XXXXX died along with his only wife in the rebellious war that took place in Liberia, after the Nigeria troops has succeeded the rebels, the only son and daughter of the diseased family came to me in Accra-Ghana as the human right person of their family in Accra Ghana, they came with deposit slip of $16.4million USD [SIXTEEN MILLION FOUR HUNDREAD THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS] in International Commercial Bank Ghana which is deposited also by my diseased client in the Transit.”
Sad about the “disease family,” isn’t it? Wonder if he meant “deceased” instead?
OUR CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS MATTER.
I am Barrister Fred XXXXX. I am the Personal Attorney to Engr. Michael XXXXX national of your country, who used to work with Chevron Company in Nigeria. On the 25th of July 2000, my client, his wife and their three children were involved in a Air France Concord plane crash bound for New York with his family. You can read more on …”
You get the idea. Incredibly these important pleas for my assistance come marked ****SPAM****; how thoughtful. And the lotteries I have “won” must be widespread and numerous judging from the dozens of them I “win” everyday; although I have to admit I have never actually played any of them.
Sadly, all these wonderful emails require that before I can avail myself of millions of dollars I must first send them a few (hundreds or thousands) or give them my credit card information so that I might first be validated, approved, insured, bonded etc.
One might suspect less promising persons of villainy, but certainly I should trust someone of authority emailing me from Africa, right? You might think with all that money they could have hired someone who can actually read and write English.
I do wonder how they all discovered that I was someone who would be willing to help transfer, reallocate, divert and transmit funds that all those governments were about to seize, condemn, transfer, tax or appropriate. Perhaps my virtuousness is so universally admired and well-known that my photo and email address are prominently featured on most African highway billboards.
I have learned several important lessons from these emails.
- Driving, flying or just being in Nigeria appears to be very hazardous to your health.
- Nigeria is the millionaire’s secret playground (so many seem to have died there).
- Barristers and Solicitors in London no longer speak English.
- If it says “****SPAM****” and has your email address instead of your name you can pretty safely relegate it to that computer version of the circular file…the delete button.