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Advertise on the Tentacle

July 23, 2006

Surprise At Hooters

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

I was on a roll. Collecting t-shirts which advertising various bars and restaurants in the resort for distribution at a Democratic Party fundraiser, I had secured about 25 and needed only a few more. Then came Hooters.

What could be behind those doors I wondered? Beating back the devil, I proceeded on to the next establishment which was Big Peckers.

I put the place out of my mind until I had to run back up the highway (there is only one in Ocean City) to collect more shirts that were locked up and someone had to wait for the manager to open the cases. I noticed the bar again and decided to swing in and have a look.

Three obviously underage patrons attempted to enter but were turned away from the bikini contest held on the back deck. I pulled out my driver's license and received a wide grin from the bouncer who waved me, my grey hair, and my big gut through.

To my disbelief, a family of four was seated at the first table. A puberty-involved male was keeping his eyes to the floor. The husband was facing the entrance - so the only things he could see were the patrons entering. The wife, seated next to him, had the "wait 'til we get home look," while the young daughter was engrossed in a burger. They obviously had no idea what they had walked into and had ordered their food before they could escape.

I wandered further and made every effort to notice the waitresses. To my surprise, most were wearing collared shirts up to their necks with a singlet underneath. The beach displayed more flesh than these girls. I had expected; well never mind what I had expected. But it certainly wasn't this. There was only one server who was displaying and she was assigned to the family of four.

Confused, I wanted to go to the bar and drink an O'Doul's to really scout out the place, but there was nary a stool to be had. The bikini contest crowd had resulted in standing room only.

In situations like this, I always seem to run into one of my former students; only this time there were two. They greeted me heartily and reminisced about my teaching chemistry to them. Everyone was listening to this exchange and the looks about a teacher being in a place of ill repute did not bring winning glances.

I didn't need to tell everyone I was in there on behalf of the Democratic Party either. Blinding ideas come to me only after the occasion had long passed when I should have told the crowd I was on the staff of Governor Bob Ehrlich.

I untangled myself from my former - now beer laden - students and made my way to the exit. I felt I had betrayed the feminist movement by entering a place where there was more interest in the flesh than in the intellectual pursuits of the mind. I did not see any chestboards where I could have engaged them in intellect.

To be fair, I will write about the Brass Balls Saloon on the Boardwalk next week.

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