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As Long as We Remember...

January 1, 2006

New Year's Resolutions and Dating

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

The weight loss resolutions are being sworn to on a dozen Bibles. People all across America have vowed to lose millions and millions of pounds to make themselves look buff, sleek and sexy.

Recently separated and divorced men want to shed the tire to attract 20-something females who will only respond to $100 bills waved under their noses. Money, they coo, and to hell with the tire!

However, having parted with a fortune to their ex-wife's lawyer, the men are only interested in going after ladies who want their mind and body. Since the mind has long since gone the body is what's left.

Madison Avenue knows this. The ads are running night and day for all sorts of exercise machines, weight loss programs and special foods. They guarantee a Schwarzenegger body in a few weeks or less. Men and women, who have been cloned in the Hollywood biology lab and whose bodies could cure impotence, smile and flex as they exercise, drink or eat the products being touted.

The exercise machine arrives by mail or carted home from the department store. The first exercise is to assemble the behemoth. A set of directions, written by a third worlder who learned English from a Bronx Peace Corps Volunteer, unfolds like a road map for the entire east coast.

Heavy weights cause hernia as one tries to lift part A to Part B to be connected to Part X. Long hand-slicing cables need to be stretched from point C to a letter in the Chinese language that someone forgot to translate.

Frustration results and the weight loss program dissolves during the first week of attempted assemblage. The machine and related parts are discreetly shoved into a corner with a colorful sheet thrown over it and a potted plant added to a flat surface. You tell friends it's a modern art sculpture by a lesser-known artist soon to become famous. Trouble is, they all know what it is since most of them have one at home.

Another weight loss program is the diet. A series of foods in liquid form and/or cardboard containers arrives, purchased with the promise of melting pounds like a Democrat into a Republican during a Frederick election.

Well-portioned and balanced meals for an entire week at the cost of a surf and turf dinner per meal are extracted from the box. A table is set with the spouse who can eat anything and not gain a centigram. The white liquid is poured into a crystal wine glass while micro-waved health food arranged on fine china.

You announce the meal as delicious as you choke on the cardboard tasting solids and milk of magnesium drink. On Monday you are proud of yourself. On Tuesday, the hunger pangs sound like a mild earthquake. By Wednesday, all of the meals for the next two weeks are consumed in one sitting. Cancel and refused are written across the next package that arrives.

Another decision is the health spa, gym or other place one goes to lose weight. "Health spas" are for Middletown wimps who live in McMansions and are in touch with their feelings. Places like "gyms" are for serious men who want to change fat into hard muscle and acquire the ability to ride a $20,000 Harley and lift it with one hand. They enter the testosterone room filled with weights that have to be added to a bar one at a time while the wimps get on the prepubescent bikes and ride while reading a copy of the Wall Street Journal or Forbes.

In both cases the paid-in-advance year-long membership is not used when the desired Playboy bunny date on Valentine's Day turns into a lonely movie at the local theater with heavily buttered popcorn. The rest of the year's contract is then desperately sold on eBay.

The moral of the story is to eat sensibly, drink plenty of liquids, exercise moderately and remember the true old adage - brains over beauty when dating.

Happy New Year!!!

Yellow Cab
The Morning News Express with Bob Miller
The Covert Letter

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