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The Tentacle


December 13, 2005

Coldly Disappointing

Norman M. Covert

You'd think you could trust the local daily news rag. I am forced to admit that I actually try to read the publication and endure its enigmatic style and daily Global Warming updates.

Thus, the editor must explain why the temperature is somewhere between the teens and 25 on my porch thermometer and there remains about three inches of snow and ice on my lawn. They said we were done with this nonsense of cold weather.

The weather experts at such elite weather monitoring stations as Hood College have convinced the local editorial board that we will evolve into a tropical climate soon; the Atlantic Ocean, despite its cool temp, will spawn huge water walls decimating the Eastern Shore and sending the Chesapeake Bay crashing to the beachfront homes in Thurmont, Sabillasville and Burkittsville.

It is enough to make me wonder if I should keep watching my diet, exercising at Frederick Memorial Hospital at the "Y" and taking all this medicine that is supposed to make my heart continue to work a bit longer.

Alas, before heading out to this winter wonderland, I must unpack my L.L. Bean Parka from the cardboard box in the back of my closet. Somewhere in another closet is a pair of gloves that actually work and I think one of my heirs has made off with the wool socks that really keep my feet warm. (Lessons learned: cotton socks do not work; cotton gloves do not work; and cotton hats are passť.)

Why shouldn't I believe that this cold weather is just an anomaly in the face of constant opinion?

I am confused because there is a special society of geopolitical scientists who have been hammering away that the earth's ozone layer is perilously close to rupture and subsequent calamity for all living things. Mankind, they say, must first clamp down on the successful industrial complex in the United States, which is the primary cause of this depleted ozone.

These wunderkinds don't believe Eastern Europe, Central Asia, South America, Africa or other locales, which are in economic misery, are making any contribution. That may not be out of the realm of believability, but a certain prejudice against the United States seems evident.

Those loser nations eagerly jumped on the Kyoto Protocol, which was the definitive document for these geopolitical weather prognosticators. Thank goodness we had some clearer heads in the Clinton and Bush administrations who saw that economic weakness created national vulnerability.

Still, hardly a day goes by that another expert isn't touted in the local rags as saying one outrageous thing after another. Global Warming, they claim, has caused everything from the consecutive victories by President George W. Bush to the hurricanes, which failed to bother Caucasian and Hispanic families in Louisiana and Mississippi.

Global Warming's effects (including the roiling Atlantic destroying the Big Apple) were fully verified in a movie produced by experts in Hollywood. We all know that today's cinematic wonders are used as source material by a variety of fact-checking web purveyors. If it's on the big screen, it must be true!

The very term "Global Warming" is a paradigm pillar of the media and academic elite. It is the "way in" to the conversation for all those who are losing their grip on the hearts and minds of deep thinkers who use their eyes.

What it takes to prevent this impending doom is to sign the damn treaty, drag our feet on implementing anything and wait out this fading group of whacko whose demise will not be mourned.

For my money, I believe what long-time weather forecaster, the late Gordon Barnes, told Tommy Grunwell one snowy morning about the prospects of disaster with the ozone layer.

"The Earth," the affable Mr. Barnes said, "is an amazing thing. For thousands of years, it has undergone constant change, including depletion of the ozone layer. It righted itself then, and I believe it will fix any problems again."

People believe what they want to believe and if you get enough sheep in a circle anything can happen. As for me, I just have to find one more glove, and will locate a copy of the Communist Manifesto to tell me what to think tomorrow about the weather.



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