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As Long as We Remember...

December 5, 2005

Santa, Threat? Or Menace?

Edward Lulie III

“Holiday” or Christmas? Somehow this season of the year has been drawn into politics, and like most things political it tends sometimes to get pretty silly.

For example Santa Claus now finds himself in the crosshairs of political activists; and they aren’t all on the far left either. So I thought it might be a good time to review the alleged misdeeds and failings of Santa from both the left and the right. You would think St. Nick might deserve some slack, too.

Complaints from the Right:

1: X-Files Security risk? Every year Santa mysteriously manages to evade our extensive air defense system and infiltrate our border. He does this with the seeming approval of NORAD as well. What other extra-national has that kind of clout?

He also avoids customs each year and transports vast numbers of items that go completely un-inspected. The ultra-sophisticated system that allows him to move these items is beyond any known science. Is it extra terrestrial in origin? Or merely part of a rogue black ops (red ops?) project secretly run by the “Red” Chinese? (Remember, too, the influence that Mr. Claus has upon the balance of trade deficit! Many of those presents bought each Christmas come from where? China!)

2: Closet Communist? Santa has long been suspected of subversive sympathies. Wearing a beard, smoking a pipe and wearing small soviet style spectacles seems natural for someone who is known world-wide for wearing a bright “red” suit.

His approach to gift giving is communal in nature and subjective as he judges who is “good” and who is “evil”. Known to keep an extensive “list” of data on individuals as well as having numerous other pseudonyms he is known to have used all over the globe.

3: Shopping Mall Co-Conspirator? Every year shopping centers and malls across the country have “helper Santas” that share secrets with young Americans and often pose for photographs (probably used for blackmail purposes in later life). The ability of these “helper Santas” to mysteriously communicate with the real S. Klaus is a subject of much mystery and concern at the National Security Agency (NSA) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) for which no immediate answers have yet been discovered.

4: Un-American! Santa is not a U.S. Citizen and has created an amazing information collection system (otherworldly perhaps?). In fact he is said to possess such detailed information on everyone on the planet that he knows “if you have been bad or good” and even knows “if you are sleeping!” None of this technology has ever been shared with the CIA or FBI; precisely the sort of present they would love to find under their tree on December 25.

Complaints from the Left:

1: Slave Master: to hide his nefarious activities from union organizers and Environmentalists he has a secret base of operations somewhere in the pristine artic and near the North Pole. Santa ruthlessly oppresses a green clad ethnic minority of vertically challenged “elves” that he uses to build “presents.”

His secret sweat shop has no outside inspections to insure that basic safety and working conditions are followed. In fact the workers are kept mysteriously away from all public view, probably because the international outcry over their enslaved and oppressed condition might lead to a world boycott.

Also he has no oversight to examine the pollution and contamination that must certainly come from such a large factory and the effect it must have upon global warming and the sensitive polar ecology.

2: Secret CIA Operation; Known to keep a Nixon-like Enemies List that is unrivaled in its accuracy and details that must certainly be a CIA run operation using the “Jolly old Elf” as a front. This sort of active complicity must account for the suspicious fact that NORAD fails miserably to either intercept or shoot down his yearly invasion of our air space.

3: Union Buster! Santa brings millions of “presents” each year produced by his slave labor shop and made under horrendous working conditions in hostile and extreme climate. Santa has never allowed a single union organizer access to his operation. Even worse is the lost income and jobs of union workers inside the United States, who have no chance to compete with Santa’s slave army.

4: Animal Abuser. S. Claus has been known to use a whip on the rare and endangered flying reindeer that he uses to pull his personal pleasure craft. If that wasn’t bad enough, then consider the red uniform he wears trimmed with FUR! Who knows what horror and exploitation must exist in his secret artic base of operations.

5: Political Manipulator? Santa is also a beloved icon of the military-toy industrial complex. Known to deliver state of the art “war” toys to impressionable children and suspected of complicity with George W. Bush in plotting U.S. imperialist aggression all over the world. Claus is widely rumored to have secretly delivered Florida’s electoral votes to Dubya in December 2000 and is suspected of staying at Rush Limbaugh’s mansion.

6: Capitalist Icon. Mega-corporations have invested heavily in portraying this overweight right winger as a jolly happy elf and salesman. Clearly he doesn’t resemble any known elves; he looks nothing like Orlando Bloom (see Lord of the Rings) or the elves on boxes of Keebler Cookies. Corporate exploration of this holiday season has centered on using this polluter, animal abuser and military freak (Remember the Uniform!) as a key tool and icon for product sales. Madison Avenue corporate advertisers all use Santa Claus extensively in their yearly Christmas sales campaigns yet no employment record exists to show that he was ever legally hired.

So if you don’t get a present under your tree this year, please cut St. Nick some slack; rumor has it that the “bad” kids who got coal for Christmas are launching a class action lawsuit against Santa for millions in pain and suffering damages.

Woodsboro - Walkersville Times
The Morning News Express with Bob Miller
The Covert Letter

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