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October 30, 2005

Up To His Ears.

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kerry" is a bumper sticker I am having printed up as the Holy Bush continues to burn in Washington. Let's see if I can get these scandals straight.

Karl Rove is suspected of telling a columnist the name of a CIA agent. Apparently, Ambassador Joe Wilson, who was assigned the plum job of representing our country in Gabon, was sent to another wonderful country, Niger, to find uranium.

The radioactive substance was somehow to make its way for WMD in our staunch loyal ally, Iraq. When the Geiger counter didn't click, Karl allegedly told a couple of journalists that Wilson's lady, named Plame, is or was a CIA spy. Rove's defense was that he meant she was a cafeteria worker serving taco and chili at Langley.

Meanwhile, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, chief of staff for the Vice President, also got whiff of the chili in the taco and mentioned the name to another reporter who ended up in jail for refusing to name her source. Scooter also meant Ms. Plame was a fabulous Tex Mex cook at the CIA and not the Sherlock Holmes of Africa.

Keeping everything on the front burner is the irate husband, still ticked at being sent to Gabon as an ambassador and then having to roam about Niger, told everyone who would listen that the administration was slighting his wife's culinary skills. "They should be sent to assist the successors of Jane Goodall and count the fleas on the apes' butt," he feels.

Never to go up the river alone, the loyal lieutenants have dragged the vice president into the monkey stew.

Over in the Senate, medical Doctor Bill Frist, Senate majority leader and presidential aspirant, placed all his money into a blind trust. Apparently, he didn't know that some stock in HCA, a chain of hospitals his family owns, would tank just after he blindly sold it. Of course, nobody believes that prescription.

Ronnie Earle, a rabid, foaming Democrat - I didn't know there were any Democrats left in Texas - went after Tom DeLay who he accuses of washing money.

Follow me on this one.

In an unheard of and rare event, corporations give money to the Republicans. They deposit it in a bank account in Washington. Tom transfers the money to another account where money from individuals only is supposed to be deposited. He then sprinkles the money, Lyndon Johnson style, to politicians deep in the heart. Getting money from corporations, but not rich ranchers and oilmen, is illegal in the Lone Star state.

Representative Delay denies any wrongdoing because it was not against the law when he did it. Ronnie then found instances where he did after the law was passed. Details, details, details!

Jack Abramoff, who ripped off the Indians and supposedly stole millions in casino money, Manhattan-Island-for-$24 style, is under investigation. Not for scalping the Indians mind you, but because he was clubby chummy with top Republicans and arranged golf trips for some of them. They are trying to find some wampum he might have slipped into the golf bag on 17th tee - or the 19th watering hole.

Wanting to remain in power long after his term is up, the president appointed a good buddy to the Supreme Court. The deal calls for lap dog Harriet Miers to contact the president for direction on how to vote. Even the staunchest conservatives are howling about this one discarding her born again Christian fašade and fearing President Bush may become a liberal and direct the court away from their values. I support Harriet Miers for a position on the Supreme Court because anyone the conservatives oppose, I embrace.

Unfortunately, she withdrew her nomination and will probably be the next ambassador to Gabon.

Trick or Treat!

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