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September 18, 2005

How and Why Gas Prices Soared

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

They gathered together on an oil derrick off the Louisiana coast. Darth Vader represented Exxon, Dracula had a Sunoco emblem on his cape, Vlad the Impaler carried a Chevron banner on his spear, while Jack the Ripper had Sinclair engraved on his ivory handled knife. The grim reaper kept notes.

Vlad opened the meeting. "We have America right where we want her," he said. "We will make everyone believe the hurricane is responsible for a jump in prices."

Darth agreed. "It's just before Labor Day and everybody has made their plans, paid hotel room deposits at the beach and promised Uncle Cuthbert they would come for a visit," he said playing with his light saber.

They all pondered how much to raise the prices.

"This survey said they would pay $3 a gallon before there would be much of a problem" intoned Jack, eyeing a Playboy centerfold.

"Really?" drooled Dracula. "Who took the survey?"

"I did," said Secretary Reaper.

"Okay, let's agree on at least $3 a gallon." Any objections," asked Jack.

None were heard.

Dracula was eating a meal and suddenly sprayed blood in a coughing fit. "We can go higher," he asserted. "

Dare we," asked Vlad.

"Yup, look at all the gas guzzling SUV's out there. We can make a killing," he said licking his red lips.

"But what if the government steps in and does something," Darth inquired.

The oil derrick began to sway as gales and howls of laughter erupted from the goons.

Tears flowed down their cheeks as strong belly laughs engulfed them all.

"Where have you been, Darth," asked the grim reaper.

"On the dark side," he replied.

"That's right, I remember now," replied the Reaper.

"The country elected a president whose family owns the oil and a vice president who is involved with supporting the oil industry. They are worse than the Arabs."

They all agreed on this point.

"Let's raise the price to three dollars." A bidding war broke up out as each of the devils tried to out do the other. Finally a price of $3.39 a gallon was agreed upon.

"Wait minute," said Jack. "What if the people howl in protest and threaten to vote Democrat in the next election?"

Silence fell over the group.

"Okay, we will lower them after the Labor Day. They will soon forget," said Darth

"Like Viet Nam," they all thought with great joy.

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