Fodder for the Mind
Humor by Tom McLaughlin
The feature section of the newspaper has many items to take your cares and woes away from the hard news on the front page, CNN, WFMD, NPR, The Weather Channel, The Tentacle, the opening desktop page and others. Here is my take on some of them.
I spotted a recipe in The Hagerstown Herald Mail I thought I would like to try for dinner. It said easy, quick created by Hiroko Shimbo. The dish is called Beef Sukiyaki Noodles. Suki comes from the Japanese word meaning plow, while yaki means to grill.
Let’s see, plow + grill. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. I should have known better. With a name like Shimbo. I tried to use my vast knowledge of the culinary arts to prepare this meal for my girlfriend. You can tell my wife now as we are divorced…I think.
½ pound of dried fettuccine – any ole spaghetti, I figured.
¼ cup plus two tablespoons of soy sauce – the black stuff that won’t come out of clothes
¼ cup plus two tablespoons of sake – Japanese joy juice
¼ cup plus two tablespoons of water – what’s this two tablespoons business any way?
2 tablespoons of sugar – replace with Equal.
2 tablespoons of vegetable oil – “Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end”
¾ pound of beef sirloin, thinly sliced across grain...which way is the grain?…cut into two inch lengths…too much trouble…throw in hamburger
1 medium sweet onion – onions are sweet?
8 large shitake mushrooms, caps only, quartered – I hope Shimbo didn’t misspell that word
3 scallions cut into matchsticks – how big is a match stick
1 bunch of watercress – green plants in aquarium
½ pound of tofu – white stuff that some people eat instead of meat
Cook fettuccine until dente – I think this means hard
Combine soy sauce, sake, water sugar and mix until sugar is dissolved – a real test for that detergent with oxymoron, or is it oxycotin, or maybe oxy something Heat oil until shimmering – shimmering? Do they mean popping?
Cook hamburger...I mean beef sirloin sliced across the grain – until half cooked – how do you tell its half cooked?
Set aside – set what aside?
Throw in everything else and cook the hell out of it.
Drizzle left over soy sauce – Drizzle? I threw it in with everything else.
Serve over noodles...what noodles? Oh, the spaghetti.
YTREHGUOD ROF ROYAM
I want to divorce my wife/husband. How do I start?
Grab the money. By the fistful and hide it. Remove money from every bank account, even the one you think he/she doesn’t know about. Sell the stocks and change everything into cash. Change some of it into traveler’s checks. Say you lost it in a gambling binge in Vegas or Atlantic City. Send the cash and pad your Pay Pal account. Very few people look there. Buy things that are valuable yet give the impression no one would want. One friend took thousands of dollars in cash and invested in car parts for antique automobiles. He/She restored them in his garage as a hobby. When he/she wandered into the workshop, he/she stated no one would want that pile of junk and he/she just threw money away. Resell on E-Bay. Tape cash under the old recliner and in the picture of the dogs playing poker. Hide it in the makeup case. As Sherlock Holmes said: “Hide things in places where it can be seen.” Never, ever give a dime for a girl/boyfriend to hold for you or a lawyer. It will disappear.
How do I get rid of my boyfriend/girlfriend now that I am divorced and they want to marry?
Claim extreme poverty because of the divorce. Sleep on park benches. Eat hot dogs and beans. Ask him/her to start paying for things like rent, electric bill and gasoline. Especially gas at these prices. Ask him/her to pay dental bills and co sign a loan for a new car. Ask him/her to remove soy sauce stains from your clothes. Suddenly change the word We to I. Invent a name and start calling him/her by it.
* * * * * * * * * * From the pages of all sorts of newspapers – here and across the country:
See the Mars for The Last Time in Your Life
Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eyes. This will culminate on Aug 27th this week; when Mars comes within 34.65 million miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27th this week. It will look like our earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will EVER see THIS again...!
If you believe this event happened last night, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you. And if that isn’t of interest, how ‘bout some ocean front property in Nevada?