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August 21, 2005

Sex on the Beach

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin A can of Raid would have done it. Sprayed liberally over the 50-foot cliffs facing the Chesapeake Bay in Cecil County, the bug holding up development would have been hurried toward extinction, where, except for its sex life, deserves to go anyway.

PURITAN TIGER BEETLE Cicindela puritana E N D A N G E R E D

Copyright 1997 E N D A N G E R E D

The Puritan beetle, named because the design on its back resembles hats worn by the group who invented the dunking chair, burning at the stake and other lovely Christian traditions, lives in the cliffs and is on the super duper endangered species list. (Google Puritan beetle for more info.) They live happily in three hills along the bay and up in Connecticut, and those are the only places where they frolic and raise a family. The Marylanders, every once and a while, migrate to the beach and have sex remember those days? and return to eat ants and other fellow insects. They also have been documented copulating up to six hours which if ground up would probably put Viagra out of business.

I don't know what kind of perverts document copulating beetles but they should be put on the sex offenders lists and their homes carefully monitored. Our dull, boring northern bugs omit the beach part and only have sex in the dirt, probably because of the Salem trials where Goody Two Shoes met her fate. A water view, in this era of exploding real estate, is vitally important to the price of a house. Costs are measured backwards from where the house sets on the beach and you can walk out and put your toes in the water and squash a few beetles to where you can see some bloke using high powered binoculars from the bathroom window if you stretch around the corner.

Real estate agents call this "Bay or Ocean" view depending on what side of the peninsula one resides. The bugs have stopped this waterfront development because of their unique life style. They can only live in a vegetation-free environment on the side of the cliff. This is attained by the land occasionally tumbling downwards onto the beach killing many of the beetles. Meanwhile, atop the eroding hill, developers want to build houses so more advanced organisms, further along the food chain, can have a panoramic view of the Chesapeake at the cost of a few mil. Now, to hold up the house, you have got to stop the cliff from dropping into the Bay. This is achieved by sloping the land from the water to the top of cliff, which will cause the sea grass to grow; which will deprive our bugs of a home; which will make them extinct except in those two other areas along the Bay; which are protected because they are state parks and in Connecticut. And that's the way of the Lord or the curse of the Puritans left in the stocks because of evil thoughts about having sex on the beach during the religious reign and before the writing of the Crucible. Didn't Arthur Miller marry Marilyn Monroe? Other than a can of Raid applied at midnight during a moonless night while wearing one of those hats how did they make them anyway? I thought there was only fur here in the 1600s the solution to this dilemma does not seem to be forthcoming.

I suggest you interest a pharmaceutical firm who will find some way to reproduce them by the billions for their sexual prowess. Like Arthur Miller, sex brings out the best in all of us. Especially with Marilyn Monroe.

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