A Lawyer Walks Into a Bar
Humor by Tom McLaughlin
I am in divorce court this week (more about that later), so I will not be able to write my usual column. Here are some lawyer jokes gleaned from the internet to keep you amused.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie?"
Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.
One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it.
"How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper.
"Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story."
Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it.
As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him.
Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown.
Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked.
The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice," replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A lawyer and two friends - a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So, one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening."
With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
The rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies: "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage.
After looking over the lawyer in his $1,000 suit, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves."
The lawyer did.
The farmer said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?"
And the lawyer took another swallow. At the urging of the farmer, he took another, and another, and another.
Finally, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the farmer if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too.
"Not me", the farmer replied. "I'm waiting for the state trooper."