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You Can't Really Mean That?

Tom McLaughlin

May 15, 2005

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

These are two headlines which appeared in The Washington Post on May 6, 2005: "In Kansas, Debate on Evolution Turns Tart" and "Educators Consider Intelligent Design"

The idea of a garden where all of your needs are met. Succulent food and sensual days for all eternity. Two young lovers, the very first, frolicking together. Birds twittering, peace and calm, days blending one into the next. No work, no studying! Just lazing under a tree or swimming in a pool with a cascading water fall after passion has been spent.

Vibrant colored flowers picked and shared. Running into a gentle surf playfully splashing each other. Unashamed, holding kissing and caressing, never growing old, bodies strong and supple responsive to each touch and tingle.

The stars at night, huge and touchable, as bodies intertwine in slumber and closeness. The morn dawns and, after another hour of love making, bananas and oysters are gently eaten with one feeding the other. No marriage vows. No law. Just heaven as God has intended on earth.

DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO LEARN THAT IN SCHOOL? Yet this is what the creationists want books and teachers to tell your kids. The beginning as God had intended for life on earth. The pupils will descend to lawlessness if the anti-Darwinists are allowed to rule. The churches will be empty as people follow the intentions of God as written in Genesis!

The creationists want us to return to the Word. Never mind that Darwin had to sail on a stinking boat. Life aboard was misery as there was no privacy for anything.

Why do you think they called it the poop deck? Food was poor. Water brackish. Everyone smelled. They arrived at a sand covered island with cactus, turtles and swimming reptiles. To keep from going totally mad, he did some bird watching.

We don't want our children to learn about him! If only he had gone back to the true writing of the scriptures. The Garden of Eden! They want to dash Darwin from the pages of science and return to the true word of Genesis!

A man lying on a gurney, wheeled into a room where a roomful of ghouls watch his demise. The fundamentalists know somewhere in the Bible it states an "eye for an eye." We nod approval and the man dies and a part of each member of the audience and those who believe in capital punishment die with him. Both need to go back to the very beginning of the Bible and dance naked with a lover, say the creationists.

Do you really want your children to live this kind of life? No capital punishment? The creationists do!

Gregor Mendel was an ecclesiastical old monk who, while gathering flowers for the altar, noticed some difference. He came up with a few genetics laws while in a crazed state from drinking too much of the communion wine. Yet, if he was allowed to marry or at least cohabitate and follow the examples in Genesis, instead of being on his knees on the cold marble floor of the monastery, he would never have devised this genetic nonsense.

The creationists want you to believe the religious life is following very early Genesis and not that of a crazed monk, or a hard lined preacher, or listening to a church minister tell gay lovers how to love.

Imagine, your children learning that lolling around fruit trees is better than a life in a cold dark church on the top of hill praying? The creationists will force teachers to teach that along with Mendel. Which will they believe; a life of peace and love or the intertwining of DNA?

Oh! There's trouble! In River City!

And they are trying to change God's creations! Companies down 270 are manipulating genes that make corn that grows in the desert, rice that won't need pesticides, food animals that produce more milk, grains with more vitamins, and disease free fruit trees.

Creationists believe nobody should mess with God's design! What are the scientists trying to do? Create a Garden of Eden?

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